Where is our empathy?

When we are young we are taught; be nice to others; treat others how you would like to be treated: be caring. In other words, we are taught compassion and empathy in its simplest form. But something appears to have gone wrong somewhere. Somewhere we lost the compassion and empathy for victims of certain crimes.

I was upset when I read a recent report from White Ribbon Scotland. They found “1 in 4 young people (16-24 years) believe that a woman is partly responsible for being raped if she is drunk or dressed provocatively.” But sadly, I was not surprised. All too often when there is a story about domestic violence, rape, or sexual harassment, the first questions asked are “why was she there?”, “Why didn’t she leave?”, “How much did she have to drink?”, “What was she wearing?”

Where is our empathy? Our compassion?

When it comes to domestic abuse, rape and other forms of violence, we don’t want to put ourselves in the shoes of the victim because these things are too horrific to imagine. It is easier to separate ourselves from the statistics, from the stories on the news, from the realities of violence against women by identifying ways which the victim is different from you. “I wouldn’t dress that way”; “I don’t drink”; “I don’t walk down that street at night”.

Part of me wishes that I could say that this will keep you safe. But that’s not true. And I truly believe that the way we dress and behave should be motivated, not by fear, but by our personal choice, beliefs and values.

The only way to truly create a safe society for women; for our mothers, our sisters, our friends, is to tackle the REAL cause of rape and other forms of violence against women. Clothing is not the cause of rape. Neither is alcohol. Nor the street you walk down. Rapists cause rape. Just as abusers cause domestic abuse.

And it is these attitudes, these excuses, which give them impunity to do so.

The culture of victim blaming creates a belief that abusers and rapists are not responsible for their actions. What message does this give to victims? It’s your fault! What message does this give to perpetrators? That their behaviour is acceptable to us?! Men should be offended by ideas that rape can be excused because of the woman’s behaviour or appearance. Surely the other side of that coin is saying that men cannot control themselves and they are all monsters whom women need to protect themselves from.  But this is absolutely not true. Crimes of violence against women are perpetrated by a small minority of men.

So let’s put the blame firmly where it belongs. Let’s start reframing our thinking. Let’s start asking the right questions and pointing our fingers of judgement in the correct direction. Let’s send a message that violence against women will not be tolerated in our communities.

Join our campaign for change.

#YouCanChangeThis

 

Shining a Light on Forced Marriage

Caitlin is a student and a volunteer for the Violence against Women project at Amina. She recently created a documentary on the topic of forced marriage. 

Forced Marriage Victim: "I had no where to go, no-one on my side. I felt trapped."

 

Forced marriage is an issue I was aware of, but had heard very little about. I had never really thought about it as I don't associate it with my community or people I know.

It was only after making a documentary (see below) about the issue that my eyes were really opened to just how big a problem it is and how close to home it can happen!

I'm a media student and, this year, I was set the task of making a documentary on a topic of my choice. My group decided on forced marriage after my Muslim friend suggested it, saying that it often goes unreported and isn't talked about enough. We then set out to shed light on the issue, focusing mostly within the Muslim community in central Scotland.

When we started filming the video I found out a lot more about the issue that I hadn't known or understood before, like the difference between "forced marriage" and "arranged marriage". Two terms that seem to be used interchangably in the media, but are in fact very distinct. An arranged marriage is a common practise where a marriage is decided by the families, but the final choice remains entirely with the couple to be married. Forced marriage, on the other hand is where one or both people do not agree to the marriage, and they are often tricked or pressured into it. No-one should ever be emotionally or physically forced into marrying someone they do not want to. 

It was eye opening hearing stories of people who were victims of forced marriage.

"I could tell by the way they spoke they were going to force me in on it." - One of the survivors explains to us how her family acted around her as they tried to force her into marriage.

It was hard hearing what these young people had gone through, and how their experience would now affect their life. I couldn't quite believe what I was hearing, they spoke about being tricked and feeling trapped or being made to feel guilty and shameful. It was at this point that I realised this happens to real people, who I might even know, and I found that very shocking and hard to come to terms with. Luckily, these people were able to seek help.

Forced Marriage is a real issue and there needs to be a real effort to tackle this problem, like Mridul Wadhwa (Shakti Womens Aid) said in our documentary, "...we have to recognise that it is all our problem!"

Over the course of the filming there was one message that kept coming up again and again: You Can Change This. I really felt that in making the documentary I was doing a small part to Change This. Talking about the issue actively helps everyone involved and unites us to speak out and tackle the issue. Amina's You Can Change This campaign is raising awareness about the issue of forced marriage; we need to break the silence and we need everyone to help us spread this message.

"It's not fruitful, it's against our faith and it doesn't produce positive results." - Shaykh Amer Jamil, on forced marriage. 

If you are worried that this might be happening to you or someone you know, support is available.

Remember that this is not your fault and you are not alone. Don't be afraid to speak out.

Please leave any comments below - would be great to get your feedback about our documentary!

Speak soon,
Caitlin

Sexual Harassment - Muslim Women Break their Silence.

"1 in 5 of every woman that walks down a British street, has been the victim of a sexual offence from the age of 16"
We have recently heard the shocking and disturbing news of sexual harassment on a massive scale during political protests in Egypt. (link)

Women are openly being attacked and sexual violence is being used against them as a way to silence and discourage them from taking part in such protests. This got me thinking...sexual harassment is an issue that affects our day to day lives and is in our community and throughout society as a whole. The best way to tackle this problem is to speak out and be vocal.
We asked Muslim women in Glasgow about their views and personal experiences of sexual harassment.

"It used to happen a lot more when I was younger, (now) it happens less but I'm still very conscious of the way I dress. I'll make sure I have a scarf round my neck or make sure I don't have anything on that's too short. I don't wear tight trousers or tops. I'm very very conscious that some Muslim men do stare and they don't hide it. They just don't bother to hide the fact they are looking at you." - Aishah

"Going shopping and stuff, you could be in a crowded shopping centre and you can feel that someone is touching you. This is what I experienced when I was very young. I feel like now there is a lot more knowledge about sexual harassment and we're more aware that it is something that does happen to young people particularly" - Shabnam

"One time on a train journey there was a drunken guy all over me and that made me very uncomfortable. He was coming up quite close to me and he was saying horrible stuff to me, quite sexually motivated stuff. There were people around me that could see I was feeling really uncomfortable.I think sometimes people feel like they can't intervene." - Shelina

Sexual harassment can affect women of all walks of life, including Muslim women. This behaviour is totally unacceptable and it is only through opening up and talking about the issue that we can start to tackle it head on. Now is time to speak out, you can change this!

Here are links to some fantastic online organisations who are actively speaking out about sexual harassment: Everyday Sexism Twitter (link) and Hollaback Edinburgh (link)


Please leave a comment on this blog, our Facebook page or our Twitter and join in the discussion!

...but what can I do?

“Silence is violence. If you see ­something and hear something and walk away, you are telling the victim they’re on their own.” says Change-maker Graham Goulden, chief inspector of Scotland’s Violence Reduction Unit (VRU). (see full article here) 

If we want to make a change. If we want to create a society where women and girls do not live in fear and oppression; where domestic abuse is not part of everyday life; where religion and culture are not misused to justify wrong-doing. Then we need to speak out against injustices.

"As a change-maker, what can I do if someone I know is experiencing abuse?"

This is a question that often always comes up at our You Can Change This workshops and conversation cafes. I think this a real concern for people that know violence and abuse is wrong; people who see a friend in an abusive situation and want to help but feel powerless to do anything about it.

With 1 in 4 women likely to experience domestic abuse, the sad truth is that someone we know is likely to be experience it.

I wanted to share with you today some helpful tips and some resources that you can turn to if you find yourself in this position...

Let her know you're concerned and you care...

o   Women experiencing abuse may not recognise what is happening to them as abuse – abusers often make victims feel as if the abuse is their fault or they don’t deserve any better.

o   For this reason, and others, it is really difficult for someone experiencing abuse to tell anyone about what is happening to them.

o   It is important that women know they will be believed and supported should they disclose abuse.

You Can Change This: by ‘asking’ her and letting her know you are concerned. For example “how are things at home? I’m asking because I am concerned about your safety and well-being.  I’ve noticed (the bruises/that you’ve been a bit quiet/how tense you are). Sometimes these can be signs that a person is being hurt by someone else. Has that happened to you?”

Show you care by letting her know you believe her and she’s not alone. For example “I am glad you told me. It must have taken a lot of courage to open up to me about this. You do not deserve to be hit or hurt no matter what has happened. I know somewhere you can get help.”

Don’t give up on her...

The nature of domestic abuse means that women experiencing abuse may have low confidence and be afraid of the consequences of decisions they make.

In all likelihood, she might not open up to you the first time you approach the subject. She might also choose to return to an abusive relationship after making the decision to leave.

It’s important that you recognise that these are her choices and part of her journey. It is not helpful to put pressure on her or get angry with her decisions.

Remember that by approaching the subject and letting her know you care, and continuing to do so, you are letting her know there is an open door when she is ready to talk. That small recognition that someone does care and knowledge that there is help available may be her lifeline in her darkest moments and the final boost she needs to get safe.

Call the Police...

Remember you are not the police and it may be dangerous to intervene in a incident of violence. If you are concerned about someone’s immediate safety then you can call police.

xDo not...

x Don’t make thing worse/put her in more danger. If you know her partner, do not collude with him or try to mediate.

x It is important that you don’t use judgemental language such as “Why didn’t you say something sooner?!”

You can also get some more helpful information and practical steps from:

 Scottish Women's Aid  and Women's Aid

For places that women can go for help see our website!