Where is our empathy?

When we are young we are taught; be nice to others; treat others how you would like to be treated: be caring. In other words, we are taught compassion and empathy in its simplest form. But something appears to have gone wrong somewhere. Somewhere we lost the compassion and empathy for victims of certain crimes.

I was upset when I read a recent report from White Ribbon Scotland. They found “1 in 4 young people (16-24 years) believe that a woman is partly responsible for being raped if she is drunk or dressed provocatively.” But sadly, I was not surprised. All too often when there is a story about domestic violence, rape, or sexual harassment, the first questions asked are “why was she there?”, “Why didn’t she leave?”, “How much did she have to drink?”, “What was she wearing?”

Where is our empathy? Our compassion?

When it comes to domestic abuse, rape and other forms of violence, we don’t want to put ourselves in the shoes of the victim because these things are too horrific to imagine. It is easier to separate ourselves from the statistics, from the stories on the news, from the realities of violence against women by identifying ways which the victim is different from you. “I wouldn’t dress that way”; “I don’t drink”; “I don’t walk down that street at night”.

Part of me wishes that I could say that this will keep you safe. But that’s not true. And I truly believe that the way we dress and behave should be motivated, not by fear, but by our personal choice, beliefs and values.

The only way to truly create a safe society for women; for our mothers, our sisters, our friends, is to tackle the REAL cause of rape and other forms of violence against women. Clothing is not the cause of rape. Neither is alcohol. Nor the street you walk down. Rapists cause rape. Just as abusers cause domestic abuse.

And it is these attitudes, these excuses, which give them impunity to do so.

The culture of victim blaming creates a belief that abusers and rapists are not responsible for their actions. What message does this give to victims? It’s your fault! What message does this give to perpetrators? That their behaviour is acceptable to us?! Men should be offended by ideas that rape can be excused because of the woman’s behaviour or appearance. Surely the other side of that coin is saying that men cannot control themselves and they are all monsters whom women need to protect themselves from.  But this is absolutely not true. Crimes of violence against women are perpetrated by a small minority of men.

So let’s put the blame firmly where it belongs. Let’s start reframing our thinking. Let’s start asking the right questions and pointing our fingers of judgement in the correct direction. Let’s send a message that violence against women will not be tolerated in our communities.

Join our campaign for change.

#YouCanChangeThis

 

In the words of an inspirational change-maker, Talat Yaqoob "Changing to create a safer and better world for women can never be un-Islamic"

Talat is the Campaigns Outreach Officer for White Ribbon Scotland, an organisation that works across Scotland, with men to tackle violence against women. Before this, Talat was the Head of Membership Development at the National Union of Students in Scotland. She has a background in political campaigning and activism and has been involved in feminist campaigning for a number of years. She also writes regular blogs and comment pieces on feminism and her personal experience of it. She is working with Amina the Muslim Women's Resource Centre, both in her professional capacity, in the anti-violence against women sector and in her personal capacity as a Muslim woman.

Talat Yaqoob, has been a fantastic supporter of You Can Change This right from the beginning. We were delighted to have such an inspirational change-maker speaking at our conversation cafe events in Dundee and Glasgow. We have been delighted to have her support and look forward to working with her again in the future. In this blog she shares with us the speech she gave at those events...  

“I was asked to come along today and speak to you not only in my professional capacity but also as a Muslim women, who understands not only the religious but, perhaps more importantly the cultural implications of being a women in an Islamic community.
In my professional capacity I work in the anti violence against women sector and my work involves tackling violence against women by working with men and boys. Why do we work with men and boys? Because last year in 82% of the cases of domestic abuse a women was abused by her male partner, because young boys are brought up to believe that they needs to be strong, aggressive and dominating and because we live in a society that gives disproportionately more power to men and boys. As such, we need to talk to them, engage them in conversation and change their minds and behaviours. By talking to men and boys we can develop a society where no woman is considered inferior and no man raises his hand at her.

But I’d like to talk to you more as a woman from a Muslim family and feminist.
I’ve been asked, far too often, whether I can be a Muslim and a feminist. I’m often asked this question by people who have misunderstood the religion and have only got their information from the media. If you searched a little deeper, you would realise that Islam is a religion that teaches us about respect and equality, in particular the respect of a woman, a mother, a daughter and a sister. It is not Islam to blame for this perceived attitude, but there is some responsibility in the culture we have fostered within the Muslim community.
In this culture I have often felt less important and less valuable than a man.
In this culture, you are pitied for only having daughters.
In this culture a woman is given identity through her father or husband.
That’s not in Islam, that’s in a culture we have created.

Let’s be honest, this exists across the world and across societies, including western cultures or non-religious cultures. The sad truth is that there is no society where women do not experience violence and discrimination simply for being born women. However over recent decades, many of these societies have become more open and able to question themselves and their practices. Many of these societies have women speaking out and leading change. Progress is slower than it should be, but at least we can say it is moving. But our Muslim culture still feels closed off to conversation about challenging men’s behaviours and supporting women experiencing violence. There is a reluctance to engage or offend and there is a worry that it will create uncertainty or will lead to unislamic practices. But changing to create a safer and better world for women can never be unislamic. It is time for this culture to change, and for this culture to actually reflect the true religion it stems from and the needs of the women it should represent.

Take the example of a woman, newly married, has been welcomed into a new family, but over the months, her friends stop hearing from her, her family don’t get to see her. She has been confined to her husband’s home, is no longer allowed to work and rumour has it, is being abused by her husband. How many of us have heard a story similar to this? How many of us have actually seen this story within our extended families?
What do we do about this? From what I’ve seen, we shake our heads and continue with our lives. But shaking our heads won’t stop this woman from suffering abuse. It won’t stop this woman from experiencing fear, but it will allow her husband to continue abusing and it will give him the power to continue doing wrong. What’s worse, is that if this woman comes forward for support or finds the courage to even consider leaving the abuser, is it our culture’s natural instinct to open or close doors for her? I ‘m sad to say it’s the latter.

There is a Pakistani saying, one that my Dad says often:
“Betian, Maa Baap kehliye Allah ki saab say barhe rehmath hoti hein”
Loosely this translates into, “Daughters are a mother and father’s greatest blessing”. If that is the case, should we not be creating a world in which they are respected, are equal and are free to live from fear? Should we not be teaching our brothers and our sons to treat them as the blessings they are, and in turn get them to consider their own behaviour and think about how have the privilege of living their lives free from judgement and prejudice simply because of their gender?

Respect, or Izzat, is something very central to Muslim culture, but Izzat does not come from a woman being forced to remain silent about abuse, Izzat does not come from seeing domestic abuse as a private issue and Izzat certainly does not come from a man believing he has the right to abuse or own a woman. Izzat, respect and community exist, when every individual in a society is treated with dignity and equality.

I would like to congratulate AMINA the Muslim Women’s Resource Centre for launching this overdue campaign, I would like to thank everyone in this room for coming, listening and participating and I would like to express my gratitude at being given the opportunity to speak to you today.
All I ask is that you listen to what this campaign is asking of you and never remain silent about violence against women, never allow anyone to hide behind their misinterpretation of Islam or Muslim culture, and finally I would ask that you speak to the women and girls in your family about their right to equality, life and aspiration and you speak to the men and boys about their attitude towards women, privilege and power.

Thank you again, and I hope you leave with the inspiration to create change and the strength to challenge.”

Note: A few things about this speech: Usually I don’t advocate using the line “what about your sister or daughter?” when talking about feminism. I believe women should live free from violence against them and in a just society regardless of how they are related to a man. They should be equal as simply women in their own right. But I am also a campaigner, and I know that for a campaign to be successful it needs to talk to the audience in a way in which an audience would hear and relate to. For that reason, this campaign, and I, have talked in terms of relationships and family, because at the heart of the muslim community and indeed, islamic scripture, is the notion of family and belonging. We’ve talked in the same terms, as we, as muslim women are often talked AT or ABOUT.

Speak soon,
Talat

Read Talat's regular blog here

CHANGE-MAKER NEWS JAN – MAR 2013

Hello Change-makers,

A big thank you to all of you for your support so far!

We have had a really busy few months in Change-maker HQ so thought we'd give you a quick update!

Launching You Can Change This.

We celebrated the launch of our campaign with two conversation cafe events in Glasgow on 20^th February and Dundee on 27th March. We had two brilliant, passionate speakers; Talat Yaqoob, sharing her thoughts on being a Muslim women and a Feminist; and Chief Inspector Graham Goulden discussing the invisibility of men in violence against women campaigning. We also had some really great open discussion about all various topics within the remit of violence against women including ‘Forced Marriage’, ‘The impact of Domestic Abuse on Children and Families’, ‘Sexual Violence’, ‘The Islamic Perspective on Violence against Women’, ‘The Law and Your Rights’, ‘Reporting to the Police’, and ‘Engaging Men in Ending Violence against Women’.

Check out our website for all the pictures from the events!

Guests at the event also got a sneak preview of our two campaign films featuring some well known Muslims speaking out about violence against women. We have seen the impact of violence against women on women and families in our communities and we decided it was time some well known faces in our communities took a stand against this issue. Some of the stars of our films include Humza Yusuf, Aamer Anwar, Habib Malik, Atta Yaqub and Anas Sarwar. Thanks to all the change-makers who took part!

 

These films are now available to watch on our website and on YouTube ! We really feel that these short films have the potential to make a big impact and break down barriers both within Muslim communities and in the wider community of Scotland. We believe that they will be a useful tool in helping to break the silence and challenge damaging attitudes which condone or ignore violence against women in our communities. Please share on social media and let us know if you would like to use this resource as part of your events or campaigns and we will happily support you to do so!

In other ‘You Can Change This’ news...

On the 1^st of March we held a joint event to end violence against women, with Kitaba and Islamic Studies trust. We had an audience of over 120people and it was great to see more men in the audience too! 

We also had a fantastic day at Amina MWRC’s ‘Inspire Change’ conference last week. The event was attended by over 100 women from all over Scotland. We got together to talk about Human Rights, Violence against Women, Inspiring Young People and how everyone has a part to play in making change happen. Great day and everyone left feeling very inspired!

We have now had over 200 people make our promise and become You Can Change This Change-makers:

“As a change-maker I promise to oppose all forms of violence against women. I will not engage in, or tolerate, violence against women under any circumstances. I promise to do what I can to break the silence which allows violence against women to thrive in my community by sharing the ‘You Can Change This’ campaign.”

If you haven’t already you can make your promise online today!

 

 

Speak soon,

Change-maker HQ

You Can Change This

Amina the Muslim Women’s Resource Centre